Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
