i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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