i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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