I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
