Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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