Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
