I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
