She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
