i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
