ugly people sure do ruin things
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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