Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I fill condoms, not promises.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
