I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
