Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Randomize
