just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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