I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
