there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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