My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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