btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
