i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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