Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
