I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
