Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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