great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
