Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
