I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
