on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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