my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
smell my finger.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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