Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
