i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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