you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sext me about skeletons
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
