just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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