I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
