I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm really busy with my period
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
