Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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