i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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