I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
