imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
