so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
