I accidentally had phone sex last night
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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