Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
