A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
