I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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