brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
