oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
