i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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