Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
