New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
