I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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