some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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