i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
